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ALONE
ALONE
Forming any sort of emotional attachments has never been my
cup of tea. And I do mean never. Somehow, they always seem to end in tears,
hurt and pain. Always. It’s not something I can admit easily, rather
quite the opposite. It is a sorry condition to be in, quite pathetic actually, and its a veritable hit to my ego to admit it. So as an act of rebelliousness?...arrogance?...or simply
self-preservation, I shy away from any sort of emotional attachments. It’s
automatic. The moment someone even tries to become close, warning bells go off
in my head. And then I end up feeling guilty over not being the kind of person
they want me to be.
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I had a friend. Yes, ‘had’ one. He was...amazing! He was
someone who would call you, just to make you laugh, would know without you
saying a word when you were upset, would guess when silent tears started
rolling down your cheeks, ask you your favourite colour and remember it for a
lifetime and watch out for you, no matter where you go. He was...everything a
girl could ask for and more. And no matter how much he tried, I kept pushing
him away, build these walls around my heart, impenetrable and high, that no one
could ever or would ever bother taking the effort to jump over. It’s not remorse
over losing a prospective admirer, but rather regret over losing a true friend.
I suppose that’s all one is left with in the end...Regrets! It’s a heavy burden
to carry over, knowing that you are capable of destroying any meaningful relation
you could ever have. I have hope though, that these walls still have cracks in
them, cracks which I can occasionally get glimpses of when I get hurt, hurt by
an action or a word, proof that there is still a beating heart capable of
feeling emotions that have been repressed for years. Sometime during these epiphanic
revelations, I finally realize something. I realize that out there in the
big bad world, I stand completely alone, and that...that is what scares me the most.
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